When I have made my entry for Mommy Moments last monday, bittersweet memories came rushing back to my mind and for an instant i was blank. It's been a blessing when I have learned that i am pregnant with our Peachy but fear was very dominant in my veins. I feared that I might have another miscarriage ( i previously had 2) and i cannot take that in my life at that time. I am still coping and mourning on my father's death and was still searching answers to all my questions (and I never find them).
So, when i have to immediately get back on my knees and remember that this is what I have always prayed for, there is no wrong or right timing for God's blessing. I have to set aside my pain and let joy come to my heart. And for an instant, i am relieve.
I know from the very start that my pregnancy will not be smooth because of my previous records but with the help of my ob-gyne ( medicines, tablets and injectibles) i was able to survive the crucial first trimester and it was a great relief that after two blood spotting (in my 5th and 7th month) and an emergency caesarean, a healthy 7.12 pounds baby was born.
When i held Peachy for the first time, i cant' help myself not to cry. I am overwhelmed and overjoyed. I think, that is all mother's felt when they hold their babies in their arms for the first time. But to tell you the truth that is not what my heart is saying that time, " I was asking myself then, so, this is what is like to be a mother, was this the same feeling of my mother when she first hold me?" I never had a chance to feel my mother's love, we were separated when i was only three months old.
I cried all evening, (hubby thought i am so happy but the truth, i was so sad of the thought of my mother not loving me. I kept on asking myself, am i ready for this?) You might be saying that I am just suffering what they called postpartum blues but totally I'm not. I am just being sentimental but eventually i begun to see things brightly, i am smiling and laughing and so excited to see my precious lovely daughter. She's an angel that came in my deepest despair, her presence was quite inevitable that everytime i see her, i would eventually smile.
Two years had passed and i was again facing with a big thought in my mind, everybody kept on asking me, when will i have my second baby? Hubby and I planned about it already that the next baby would be this year. I would love to have another baby even though i know that i would be having another caesarean. I was alone in my childhood with no father and mother, only a grandmother to take care of me and my life is really lacking with nobody to talk to, my grand mother was very strict , not letting me play outside but yet spoiled me sometimes and that feeling was really boring and lifeless if i would say so.
I don't want that feeling of being alone without any brother or sisters would also be felt by Peachy and the fact that was hubby was also an only child. So, that is one major reason that i want another baby but the question remains, "Am I ready?", (the fear of having a miscarriage was already erased on my list, thank God). But you would be thinking, what is stopping me?
The big question still remains....
